The other night whilst playing video games and conversing with a dear friend in California, I did something that I surprisingly don’t often do. Now I’m sure you’re probably imagining something nefarious, but alas, you’d be mistaken. I simply revisited an old journal I wrote in my sad youth. When I was growing up in Canada and deeply unsure of my place in the world and what my future goals and ambitions should be. Really, I was quite adrift for a long while in the 00’s.
Now, I had a good giggle fest upon reading the old screeds against enemies real and imagined and tirades about paramours that would never know of my feelings, but beyond all that, I found that I couldn’t shake a lingering feeling of pity and some sadness for my pre-teen to teenage self.
Did I really feel that way once upon a time? On one page of my journal I wrote a list of over 30 different enemies and assigned each of them a five star rating (I believe the scale went from loser to destroy quickly, sadly enough.), on another, I raged against how I was treated at various educational institutions where I grew up and incorrectly used the word iconoclast. I can’t help but wonder if I will feel this way about my current writings and journaling in a little while.
I mean, yeah there’s less crazy ramblings and nonsensical gibberish, but that’s still there in places. I seem coherent now, but in a few years what if my opinion changes once again?
It’s really a fascinating thing and I suppose a sign that I am maturing as person. Though it may not seem that way and my peers will often tell me that I have the heart of a 14 year old, I truly have grown up since I first put my private thoughts on paper with a pen way back in 2004.
I’ve experienced loss, good fortune, intimacy and many a long relaxing night drive down a sparse and deserted highway, through it all I’ve oddly never regressed as a person and moved forward continuously. Let us hope I continue to do so as the days go on and the year’s progress. Though some people would count me out, I’ve learned that much like Satan, the Terminator or terrorism, I tend to pop back up and emerge better than ever when you think I’m finished.
In a break from tradition, I’m keeping the blog short this week. Come July 1st I will be making my way out to Washington, D.C. for a yearlong grad school program by driving across the nation with my dog. If anything interesting happens, I’ll file a few dispatches from the road. If not, you’ll hear from me once I am settled in and content. Take care dear reader, and as I start this new bit of my life, I want to say thank you for continuing to follow me and my odd life story.