Absurdists can Save American Politics

Out of all the stories that have dotted the political landscape in the last few years, few can compare to the rise of Political Action Committees and that of Donald Trump, the inbred offspring of a Tangelo that had sex with a sentient dishrag. Whereas before the two were largely separate, this week the powers that govern the universe at large decided to give writers like myself a story that gloriously combines the two like some sort of demented candy from that evil alternate universe that existed on Star Trek where everyone had facial hair for some odd reason.

Formed and based in Portland, Oregon, Americans Against Insecure Billionaires with Tiny Hands is a real group dedicated to mocking the size of the Republican Nominees limbs. I wanted to email them to get a sense of what they were all about and ended up having a brief conversation which you can see the gist of below; clearly they’re running with the joke.

1.Tell me the basics about this PAC, how was it formed and who are some of the people behind it? Americans Against Insecure Billionaires with Tiny Hands PAC is a movement of patriots dedicated to exposing the truth about Donald Trump’s dangerous tiny hands. We came together to start the PAC after Donald Trump lied about the size of his hands on national television. He said he has normal sized hands & any child can see that’s not the case. We wouldn’t stand for it, so we took action. Our core leadership team is made up of educators, online advertising professionals, computer engineers, community organizers, and retail store managers.

2.Do you consider yourselves serious or of a satirical bent? We would never joke about the dire threat posed to our national security by Donald Trump’s creepy little rat paws.

3.What is the political makeup of those behind the group? We are Republicans, Democrats, and Independents. We are right-handers, left-handers, and ambidextrii. We do not agree on everything, but we all come together around the fact that American cannot risk a president with stubby mouse fingers.

4.Through the use of a PAC do you feel that you are contributing to one of the more problematic aspects of American democracy? We don’t see PACs as being anywhere near as big of a threat to American democracy as Donald Trump’s Cheeto nubbin fingers.

5.Have you received any response from the Trump campaign or any other politicians? We haven’t been able to verify it, but a supporter did send us this tweet that they said was posted & quickly deleted from Donald Trump’s Twitter roughly around the time the FEC forced us to change our PAC’s name from our original name, “Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC”. It certainly fits a pattern of his behavior.

6.Why stay largely in the shadows, are you afraid of a lawsuit? Our leaders don’t want their charisma, good looks, and charm to distract from the powerful message of Trump Hand Truth. When you’re campaigning, you want to stick to the message. So we’re focusing all our energy on the message, not on getting ourselves famous.

7.In the event of a trump win, does the PAC intend to stay active? We haven’t even considered that, as we are confident that the American people would never elect a pathetic fraud with feeble matchstick fingers. 

8.What are the future plans for the PAC as the campaign season kicks into high gear? We plan to expand our ad buy to new markets, but aren’t going to give Donald Trump & his sad hand-servants a head start by telling them where!

9.For being people ambitious enough to form a PAC, why attack Trump on an absurdity and not the issues themselves? What issue is larger than the security of our nation? In the disastrous scenario that Donald Trump becomes president and he goes to shake a foreign leader’s hand, how is it going to look when his weak and puny finger bones are crushed to pieces by the handshake? We’ll be an international laughingstock! If you don’t see the huge risks in electing a president with grubby raccoon hands, what can you see?

10.What has the response been like from the media so far?  The media loves us. LOVES. US

Though as of publication emails to PAC founder Henry Kraemer have not been returned, I must admit I find myself intrigued by what he and his friends are doing here. Yes, the concept of PAC’s and the influence they have on the political process is one I am not a fan of, but maybe this is a better way of undermining that system. People have brought down repressive regimes with a dose of absurdity, maybe the same can be done to make our campaign season improve. For now, I suppose all we can do is, much like Edmond Dantes, wait and hope, wait and hope.


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