In one way I have clearly become my parents.
No, I do not have any children yet. I am also not infirm enough that I am unable to walk 500 steps without being short of breath. However, when it comes to anger, wrath, mercurial moods, shrieks and screams, I am the spitting image of the pair.
How did I get like this?
I never used to be that guy who screamed in his car and slammed the steering wheel with ferocity during a particularly touchy day. Before 2015 my struggles were less present, to be fair, but even then, I worked through the particularly bad ones in a sound way. I took a deep breath, looked at my options and handled them.
Now – and perhaps compounded by things going on I cannot mention – I am far from that. I alienate colleagues, concern my better half and have caused my dog that I would take a bullet for to slink off to a corner or bombard my face with slobbery and likely unclean kisses most days out of a given week, month or year.
Perhaps it is genetic. A 2014 study from the University of Montreal did find physical aggression in toddlers is more strongly associated with familial DNA than one’s environment. Could I be from a troubled bloodline? I don’t know. I did hear stories of a long-dead relative hitting someone so hard with a paintbrush once that it broke. Thankfully that sort of behavior, and relative, are both long passed on.
Or I could have learned it.
Growing up my mother and father’s favourite sayings were “I am going to have a stroke in about XXYYY” or “CHILDNAME, I’m getting mad.” I can never recall a time they resolved an issue without shouting or screaming at the thing that had caused them grief. I’ve adopted these own sayings now to my deep consternation.
I want to be back to my more collected self. But I do not know how to get there.
Is the answer therapy? Am I exercising (as that did have a decent effect on prior struggles with depression) in the proper fashion? I do not know. It is unfortunate that somehow, I have become this fuse that gets ignited at the slightest spark.
If you have seen me stewing in rage, I am sorry. No one deserves to be subject to such nonsense. In a collected state I can see how unbecoming it can be. But, with my life the way it is now, I am not sure how to get to that enlightened plane.
Anyone have advice?
You recognize the cycle , you can change it. It takes work…. but it can be done. Sometimes, this is passed down from generation to generation and it takes some deep inner work to heal from that. You can do it.
Also just thought of something else. This is not your fault. You grew up in a very toxic environment. You saw and heard things that no child should ever have to see. It is not your parents fault either, as it was probably something they had seen when they were children as well…at least one of them. Like I said in my previous reply, this is something that is passed down from generation to generation. Be the one that changes the cycle. I encourage you to look into some trauma therapy, as there could be some PTSD going on here.
How did you find this piece Ma’am?
I found your blog and I decided to read every single entry.
Yes but how?