In one way I have clearly become my parents.
No, I do not have any children yet. I am also not infirm enough that I am unable to walk 500 steps without being short of breath. However, when it comes to anger, wrath, mercurial moods, shrieks and screams, I am the spitting image of the pair.
How did I get like this?
I never used to be that guy who screamed in his car and slammed the steering wheel with ferocity during a particularly touchy day. Before 2015 my struggles were less present, to be fair, but even then, I worked through the particularly bad ones in a sound way. I took a deep breath, looked at my options and handled them.
Now – and perhaps compounded by things going on I cannot mention – I am far from that. I alienate colleagues, concern my better half and have caused my dog that I would take a bullet for to slink off to a corner or bombard my face with slobbery and likely unclean kisses most days out of a given week, month or year.
Perhaps it is genetic. A 2014 study from the University of Montreal did find physical aggression in toddlers is more strongly associated with familial DNA than one’s environment. Could I be from a troubled bloodline? I don’t know. I did hear stories of a long-dead relative hitting someone so hard with a paintbrush once that it broke. Thankfully that sort of behavior, and relative, are both long passed on.
Or I could have learned it.
Growing up my mother and father’s favourite sayings were “I am going to have a stroke in about XXYYY” or “CHILDNAME, I’m getting mad.” I can never recall a time they resolved an issue without shouting or screaming at the thing that had caused them grief. I’ve adopted these own sayings now to my deep consternation.
I want to be back to my more collected self. But I do not know how to get there.
Is the answer therapy? Am I exercising (as that did have a decent effect on prior struggles with depression) in the proper fashion? I do not know. It is unfortunate that somehow, I have become this fuse that gets ignited at the slightest spark.
If you have seen me stewing in rage, I am sorry. No one deserves to be subject to such nonsense. In a collected state I can see how unbecoming it can be. But, with my life the way it is now, I am not sure how to get to that enlightened plane.
Anyone have advice?