14 Days of Diet: Week 01

When I last left you all in this series’ prior installment, I was outlining my experiment and my reasons for doing it. Below, you will find a summary of the first week of Soylent consumption. Enjoy and may the knowledge that I am sharing help you out with your own lifestyle choices.

On January 1st, I ordered the controversial food substitute Soylent in order to see if I could handle living largely off of it for two weeks (I originally had my heart set on a month but that was cost prohibitive.). So, after filing the order I waited around until the bland colored powder and a rather nice pitcher and measuring scoop arrived at my door on the 8th of this New Year.

Now, originally I had photos that detailed the first mixing process that I went through, but as fate would have it my puppy Raj decided that the phone they were in looked delicious so as a result they and various images of me in the nude are now lost to time. To inform you, I must use my words and those alone. I feel like that’s enough though, as I do seem to have a way with them.

But enough about that, you want to hear about the thing. I’ll begin with the opening of the box. Inside I was immediately presented with a release notes brochure detailing the changes made to version 1.5 of the product. Mixed in with instructions on how to brew the sludge were pretentious Silicon Valley style word spewing’s about Soylent being more than meets the eye and instructions on how much to consume per day. Being the man that I am, I ignored most of that and skipped towards how to brew the stuff and later serve it for consuming every day.

According to the packet, one was supposed to pour the pitcher half full of water, add half a bag of Soylent, shake, and then add another half of water and product and shake once more. Serve chilled and throw away after two days as that’s when it expires. For a company that hopes to market this stuff in the developing world, it clearly needs a massive shelf life extension.

After mixing and waiting the recommended 3-5 hours, I poured my first glass. As I stared as the pancake batter colored mixture before me, I began to have doubts about the venture I was about to go on. Would I hate the taste? Would it make me gag? Would I end up feeding it to Raj?

There was only one way to find out.

So, being bold I picked up the glass, let the mixture touch my lips and discovered much to my surprise that…..it’s really not that bad, actually quite good even. Basically, it tastes like a pancake flavored milkshake. Content that I wouldn’t have to toss the product I had just created; I downed my first glass at 8 AM that day, finished my second at 6 PM and went on with my week. Below is a summary of some of the things I experienced as the days unfolded up until now.

Day Two: Loud and Gassy  

They warned me about this one. They clearly said that using the drink near exclusively can cause some funky things to happen to your gastrointestinal tract, I foolishly didn’t think it would be serious. Boy was it ever. My ass on this day was making noises that one normally hears violent chimpanzees shriek at the zoo. And the smell, well…..let’s just say it would make Hannibal cry.

Day Three: A little Woozy

Maybe it’s because I had to work, but here when I drank Soylent, I felt like shit. After downing a glass, I found that I too had to go down for at least 3 hours of sleep before I could even begin to function like a normal human being. I must confess that at the end of the night, I helped myself to a yogurt or five and a bag of peas or two from my refrigerator. Veggies never felt better.

Day Four: Strangely Productive

Maybe I was getting used to it or maybe I just had a lot of unknowingly stored energy, but today was fabulous. I wrote 3 articles, had a couple of positive job leads, cleaned my entire apartment and even managed to get Raj out for his every other day walk all before noon, somehow. I don’t know if they put steroids or cocaine in this goo without saying it, but I had never felt better.

Day Five: Psychological Shifts

While watching my daily dose of the Dog Whisperer with Raj via the internet, I saw a banner ad for Pizza Hut on the side of the web page. Right then and there I experienced a profound longing so strange that I had to exit out of the viewing tab. Somehow, there were actual tears in my eyes. I think subconsciously, the thought that I would never have pizza again was permeating my mind.

Day Six: Smooth Sailing

I’ve got two words to describe today. Watery Poops, and much like Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

Day Seven: Reporting from Kentucky

I’m Evan Pretzer and so far, Soylent seems fine. Regrettably I have no scale so I can’t measure if I’ve lost any weight, but physically and mentally I feel phenomenal. I think the stuff is really working and at least for the present, I would recommend it to you dear reader. We shall see if by the end of Week Two whether or not I end up keeping that opinion. Though I think I might.

These posts will be cross posted to Menstrait.com, a site for guys who don’t feel the need to compensate.

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