If you’re a jaded and cynical person like myself, you probably enjoy when someone eviscerates beloved intellectual property in a sharply critical manner. That’s why Honest Trailers are so popular and the best television critics are those who can write expertly snark reviews. One such person previously ran a blog where he reviewed every episode of the inexplicably successful television show “Full House” in chronological order. Through “Billy Superstar’s” apt observation, many readers realized that the Tanner family of San Francisco are really terrible people, including that twit Joey Gladstone and particularly Michelle. I mean, never before on television has such an awful child existed really.

And with the sequel series coming along, I thought his brilliant and hilarious input would continue, but then Bill made the decision to stop the Full House Reviewed blog for good.

Me being the vulture I am, I decided to pick at the carcass of humor he left out. So, from now on on my blog, I will write a half-ass review of each episode of this show beginning with Season Two, as an analysis of Season One already exists and is amazing. Check below to find my observations on Episode One of this season and look here again next week for more.

The season starts off with DJ in the kitchen trying to get her son to learn how to walk and thus be able to go out and ruin the lives and daily routines of the people around him like any other Tanner/Fuller. Maybe I’m heartless in saying this or its weird of me to as I am a guy, but this baby is far less hideous than the Olsen twins were in their infancy. Seriously, go back and look at them on early episodes of the original show, they look like apes a bit.

Kimmy, her daughter Ramona and DJ’s son Jackson enter the kitchen. They’ve all been gone for eight weeks. While the boy was off at his own summer camp and apparently breaking hearts, Kimmy decided to stay at her daughters dance camp for six weeks of a seven week program. Clearly, living in the Full House turns people into assholes. For real girl, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want your daughter to kill you some day? Judging by her annoyed look in this scene I’d say the thought has entered her mind.

Recovering Junkie Stephanie enters the kitchen and greets Kimmy with cold hostility. Apparently, Kimmy left her at the airport and didn’t bother giving a ride back to the Full House. Based on this current behavior, I think producers are trying to make Barber the Joey of this series. In that she’s the hideously annoying person I wish would just die. Stephanie talks about her summer chasing some strange in Britain and then Fernando the Latin stereotype enters the room and declares he’s moving into the Full House without even asking DJ or anyone else in advance. What a dick move, I mean, who does that?

After spending an excessive amount of time in the kitchen, we transition to the living room. Here, we’re treated to shots of Fernando moving in all of his useless crap and then the two men that DJ can’t decide between come storming into the house with meat. If you’re wondering, they did make a lazy joke about how the “meat has arrived”. So funny, so god-dammed funny that I just burst into a fit of giggles upon hearing it. Clearly. Anyway, DJ reveals that she’s decided which one of these bros she wants to date but before the audience can find out, both Matt and Steve reveal that they have girlfriends which they both ended up dating after spending a Broke-back Mountain style weekend together. Hmm…

We shift upstairs to to see Ramona and her token friend dancing in what was once Uncle Jesse and Dj’s old room. Jackson comes in to join them and hits on Lola the Asian Girl before they both let him down easy. Like anyone with Tanner DNA coursing through their veins, he doesn’t accept what they say and promises to wait for her forever. In future seasons lets hope this pre-teen infatuation doesn’t turn into high-level stalking.

In the attic, Fernando the Latin Stereotype is still in the process of moving in and Kimmy decides to talk to him about his decision to do such a thing without asking anyone in the house. I didn’t think anyone living in the Full House was capable of such rational thought, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. He attempts to distract her with the promise of banging till the sun goes down and Kimmy being weak in the knees gives in, shaaaame!

In the backyard, Stephanie is performing a song about taking love slow when a random stranger walks in looking for Kimmy. She kisses him instantly (Bill Cosby would love these people) and is repulsed when she finds out he is Kimmy’s brother, appropriately named Jimmy. Not living in the Full House has made him one of the brighter people on this dumpster fire of a show as he wisely calls out Stephanie for kissing a total stranger. Wise man.

Switching to the living room, Steve and Matt come in with their girlfriends that they’re bringing to DJ’s backyard party. While Matt’s girlfriend seems well-adjusted, Steve is dating a lady named Connie-Jo who everyone called CJ for short. OMG, so hilarious. Or, in a more realistic interpretation this is kind of a sign of lingering obsession. Little odd Steve. DJ reflects on how weird this shit is and then they all go stumbling on into the kitchen.

The episode ends upstairs in the boys’ room where the whole family decides to crowd around DJ as she gives the weekly lesson about not giving up or something. The music doesn’t come on and Max talks shit to Fernando for invading the house. Way to go Max! I may have hated your annoying as fuck catchphrase in Season One, but here you’re alright.

So that’s it, one episode down. I managed to give a re-cap, picked out the shitty behavior of Kimmy and her asshole Ex-Husband and gave praise to the few decent elements of this packaged nostalgia from Netflix. Could the show be better? Fuck Yes. Will I be able to further write about each episode without going utterly insane? We’ll find out soon.