I can’t be Upbeat

Now, I’ll be honest. You’re probably not reading this. If you’re a visitor to my site, I can safely assume you’re one of my friends, a prospective employer who doesn’t have the time to dig through layers of writing, one of my parents (Hi Dad! Saying “Hi Mom!” is too cliché.) or a bot controlled by money launderers or others of ill repute somewhere in the former Soviet Union.

So, with that knowledge in place. I’m going to use this space to discuss one of my flaws. Now, in the past I’ve touched on my love of shitty food and touched upon my wacky misadventures that I always seem to find myself in when in the midst of romantic endeavors, but there’s one more. To be specific, I am not an optimistic individual in most areas of life that people have to experience.

It’s not a constant stream of pity and blah mind you. Don’t get mistaken. But in general, I find that when it comes to people, events or prospective things in the future. I assume the worst and tend to dwell on past negative events that I had to go through with gritted and grinding teeth.

During the Christmas season when most people are basking in the supposedly delightful “music” and time spent with relatives. All I can think of is past negative moments that occurred around the holiday (And boy are there a ton!) and the inevitable (Though this has been happening less and less.) bad winter storm that causes me to shovel mounds of snow for hours on end. This year, my droning on and on got so bad that my roommates had to actually pester me to be “happy”.

When it comes to dating. I usually go into a romantic dalliance with a countdown in my head to when it will end. Maybe that’s silly of me, but I can’t seem to shake the habit. Just recently when dating someone, I privately estimated after the first evening together that I would fuck it up in a month. I ended up doing so, to the surprise of everyone but me. I always foresaw the doom.

I’m not sure how I got like this. Subconsciously, I think the road to my cynical nature was more of a journey than the flick of a switch. It wasn’t really a thing that made me so bitter, just years of conducting myself in such a manner have hardened me to the world I encounter every day.

I’ve tried to change things, made efforts to consume more lighthearted media on the regular and even tried to not self-sabotage the relationships I find myself in romance wise. And you know what I’ve learned from all that? I can’t do it. I’m just not that kind of individual in any way.

I’m a jaded ex-cop without the law enforcement background, Batman without the dead parents and massive wealth, Dwight Schrute minus the breakup from his paramour Angela. Like Stan on South Park at one point, most things are shit to me. I’m sorry for it and hope it’s not too hideous.

Because dear reader, some days you’re all I’ve got.

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