This was intended to be a humorous column for one of my writing classes. It’s sort of dull.
In this grand time, America and the world at large have been blessed with “peak television.” It is estimated that at any given point across all platforms, there are 400 programs available to watch. There are good things, bad stories and one genre of “reality programming” that I hate more than the Sand Blasted Enema and offspring of a Buffalo Wing dipped in fascistic sauce seeking the Presidency on the Republican ticket.
I am speaking of course about dating shows. From the “Bachelorette” to “Room Raiders” and “Dating in the Dark”, all these cheaply produced programs stick in my craw for one particular reason.
In almost every season, it’s a bunch of oversexed morons trying to prove themselves to one somewhat well-adjusted lady. They have physical intimacy on their minds 24-7; she is foolishly looking for someone to marry and producers salivate at the thought of filming fights.
Real dating, at least in my case, is not like this at all.
When I go out with someone, it’s a vicious experience. I sometimes find that my date has far fewer accomplishments than me, but expects me to prove myself worthy of her.
No, I don’t care about the fact that she led some silly organization in her sorority and that her best friend Cat thinks that it was amazing that she pulled off such a nice formal with no prep. Also, I don’t really give a shit about your dream of holding a job in the marketing space.
I came here from another country. It was only Canada, but still, I’m amazing. I got out of that maple “syrup” loving, Queen of England worshiping, godforsaken hell and am now in the land of opportunity. I may have student loans, but still. I kick a lot of ass and take names.
There has to be a reality show like this.
Don’t give me a goofy program where a bunch of shirtless morons are competing for the attention of some 3rd-rate actress or has-been pop star. Give me something real and honest.
Someday, I hope ABC runs a show where a bunch of attractive ladies have to fight to bang some dude who has a landscaping business that he built from nothing. They could call it Sexy Sod and it would be amazing. Or in a more perfect world, a show would center on someone really boring like an accountant, the piece could then be called “Adding to Attraction.”
Ultimately, I know that these sorts of shows are dumb and not likely to go anywhere, but I really wish they would. Much like Louie C.K., I’m kind of dumpy looking guy who often finds himself befuddled with modern dating and waiting for ladies looks to catch up to my circumstances. If a show existed that reflected that reality, it would be fucking amazing!