To Republican Voters: Reasons to not vote for Donald Doofus Trump

Hey America, it’s me here once again. Bringing you yet another generous helping of my writing or what some people on the web like to call mindless dribble. Today if I may, allow me to start by telling you one secret I don’t think is really a big deal and then follow it up with one that I am rather ashamed of. And no, it’s not anything related to drug use or a possible child, you jackals.

First off, I had a few gay experiences in college. Wasn’t really into it and found that women are my preference. Now that that’s out of the way, I can share one of my greatest shames with you. The image you are about to see below is a book that I actually bought and read more than once.


I welcome the mocking.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you dear reader. In the hazy days of yore that were 2007, I Evan James Isaiah Jamal Pretzer was a Trumpcolyte (Only that tool would combine his name with the word acolyte and I get the sense he has a trademark for that on file somewhere.). Thankfully, fourteen year old Evan grew out of a lot of ridiculous habits, including growing out my hair. As the years went by and this mutant offspring of a Tangelo and a dishrag became more and more absurd, I was out living my life. Not bothering to pay attention to the buffoon’s absurdist theatre.

That is, until he decided to run for President. Though Trump has threatened to do it many times before, this election cycle he finally pulled the trigger. After a ridiculous announcement at the Trump Tower in New York City, the crazy train took off from the station, picking up a baffling amount of supporters in the Republican voter base along the way. Seriously, he’s in the lead.

Now, many have tried to explain this. Some pollsters think his campaign is only on top because of name recognition. Others feel that his candidacy will follow the discovery, surge and decline trend that afflicted several GOP candidates in the 2012 election season. In my own view, I think those prognosticators are wrong. For the loons that make up disturbingly high numbers of the American electorate these days, Trump is their standard bearer, a Prince of Nonsense Kingdom.

And it is to those crazies that I am speaking to now. I know you don’t enjoy the supposedly biased “Mainstream Media”, so listen to me. Below are several reasons why you should ignore this man and his so-called campaign that is no more than a front to make a whole lot of money.

  1. Flip flopping on his support for Hillary Clinton.

Listen, I don’t like the woman at all, (I think she’s a blatant panderer who would sell out her own mother if she felt it would connect with voters.) but at least I’m consistent in my dislike. In 2015, Donald Trump is tweeting that Hillary is “Unable to satisfy her husband”, but in 2012, he said that she was “Terrific and performed well as Secretary of State.”  Throw in the fact that she was a guest at his wedding in 2005 and it looks like this orangutan is a stone cold opportunist.

  1. Changing his views on Gay Rights.

If you look on the web today, you can quickly find George Hamilton of the Bizzarro World’s views on LGBTQ rights in this country. In an interview with Jake Tapper, The Donald stated that he was for “Traditional Marriage”. Now, what most people on the web didn’t note is his shifting views on this issue. In a 2000 interview with The Advocate (When Trump was threatening to run for President on the Reform Party Ticket.), he said that he supported “a very strong domestic partnership law”. He then added that “It’s important for gay couples who are committed to each other to not be hassled……and if I were President, sexual orientation would be meaningless.” My my, what a fastidiously conservative man Mr. Trump is, Ted Cruz should be his VP.

  1. This wildly offensive statement.

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously, that’s to be expected.” From a piece in The Daily News in 2004, though it sounds like something from the 70’s.

  1. He’s donated more money to Democrats than Republicans.

For a man who incessantly and annoyingly mentions all the support he has given to the GOP through the years, reality seems to tell a different tale. According to reporting from Raw Story, Donald Doofus has given $476,000 to Democratic Party candidates through the years as opposed to $452,000 in donations to those in the party whose nomination he is currently seeking to win. I wonder how those in the “Tea Party” and other strident conservative groups feel about this?

  1. Anything at all about him on the Internet.

Listen, I could add a specific 5th reason that this man is unqualified for the Presidency, but that would be too easy. Much like saying Beetle Juice 3 times, I’m fairly certain that if you say the witless apes name 3 times, you’ll get a special email telling you about one of his fuck ups. To those who dislike him, you’re awesome. To those that do, seek some psychiatric help ASAP!


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